I Don't Know What I Value Anymore: Therapy for Values Clarification
- ✓I've built a life that looks good—and feels like someone else's
- ✓I say 'whatever you want' because I genuinely can't tell what I want
- ✓My goals feel like a list I inherited, not a life I'm living
You're not broken; you're just living a script that isn't yours.
According to research on emerging adulthood, questioning what you value is a common response to major life transitions—not a personal failure. Studies on quarter-life experiences show values confusion peaks during times of change, affecting nearly 75% of adults in their twenties and thirties.
Feeling lost about what you value often shows up as an exhausting internal argument: 'I should want this,' 'Why doesn't this feel like enough?' and 'What if I've been chasing the wrong things?' This isn't indecision—it's often a sign that your 'shoulds' have drowned out your wants. [When you keep choosing what others want](/topics/life-direction/people-pleasing/) can overlap when you've spent years reading the room instead of your own signals. The gap between your life and your values grows wider every time you override that quiet voice that says 'this isn't me.'
How You Lose Touch With What You Value
When goals are built from 'shoulds'—family expectations, social comparison, fear of regret—you create a life that functions but doesn't feel like yours. Research on values congruence shows this gap is linked to lower wellbeing, higher burnout risk, and a persistent sense of emptiness. The constant pressure to choose 'right' can make you dismiss your own preferences as unreliable or selfish, until you genuinely can't hear them anymore. This is especially common when [perfectionism turns goals into verdicts](/topics/life-direction/perfectionism-and-goals/) or when [identity is shifting](/topics/life-direction/identity-shifts/) and old values no longer fit.
Signs You're Disconnected From Your Values
- •**The 'Should' Voice is Louder:** You can list what you're supposed to want, but draw a blank when asked what you actually want.
- •**Achievement Feels Hollow:** You hit milestones and feel nothing—or relief followed by 'What's next?' emptiness.
- •**You Disappear in Decisions:** You automatically defer to others' preferences because yours feel unclear or unimportant.
- •**The Emptiness Cycle:** You promise yourself 'I'll figure out what I want,' then feel guilty when nothing comes, which makes you avoid the question entirely.
Something to try
The 3-Question Values Inventory (ACT-based)
Ask yourself: 1) 'What would I choose if no one would know?' 2) 'What did I love before I was told what to want?' 3) 'What makes me feel most like myself?' Write the first answer that comes, without editing. This bypasses the 'should' filter and reconnects you with internal signals. Research on ACT shows values clarification exercises can reduce psychological distress and increase behavioral activation.
This is a flashlight—not a map. It helps you see what's there, but rebuilding a values-based life takes guided support.
What to expect in therapy
In therapy for values clarification, you'll work with approaches like ACT (to separate from 'shoulds'), Narrative Therapy (to rewrite your story), or Career Counseling informed by values work. Expect hands-on exercises like values card sorts, life compass work, or narrative timelines—not just talking. The goal isn't to find a perfect answer, but to build the muscle of choosing from the inside out.
With support, you can learn to hear your own voice again—and build a life that feels like yours.
Ready for support that fits?
Self-help values exercises can feel hollow when you're stuck in 'should' mode. If you've tried worksheets and still feel lost, matching helps. We connect you to a clinician who specializes in values work—not generic advice.