I'm Trying to Move On, But I'm Stuck: Breakup Recovery Help
- ✓I deleted their number but I still have it memorized
- ✓My friends are tired of hearing about it, so now I just say I'm fine
- ✓I check their Instagram at 2am even though I know it will wreck my day
You're not broken; your attachment system is still running a loop it can't break alone.
Research from the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships shows that up to 20% of people experience prolonged distress after a breakup that can last months or even years. Your attachment system doesn't know the relationship is over—it only knows the bond is disrupted.
Your brain is still running the same loop: scanning for signs they'll return, replaying conversations to find the 'right' answer, and trying to soothe a loss that logic can't fix. This isn't weakness—it's your attachment system stuck in a pattern it can't break alone. If the relationship ended with betrayal, [trust issues](/topics/relationships/trust-issues/) can make the stuckness even stickier, as your nervous system keeps scanning for threats long after the danger is gone.
Why Moving On Feels Impossible
Breakup recovery gets stuck when your attachment system keeps rehearsing the relationship's old 'loop'—replaying arguments, scanning for signs of return, or mentally rewriting the ending. The brain registers social pain in the same regions as physical injury, which is why moving on isn't just a decision—it's a physiological rewiring. The same [conflict cycles](/topics/relationships/conflict-cycles/) you experienced together can continue inside your own mind, making it hard to trust yourself or imagine connection with someone new. According to attachment research, this pattern is especially common when the breakup activates early attachment wounds around reassurance and safety.
Signs You're Stuck in Breakup Recovery
- •**The Mental Rehearsal Loop:** You replay key moments—first dates, last fights, 'what ifs'—on an endless internal cycle you can't switch off.
- •**Emotional Whiplash:** You swing from 'I'm better off' to 'I can't live without them' within the same hour, exhausting yourself with your own volatility.
- •**Digital Vigilance:** You've blocked, unblocked, checked, and rechecked their social media more times than you can count, chasing information that will hurt you.
- •**The Shame Spiral:** You feel pathetic for still being this upset while everyone else seems to have moved on, so you hide your pain and isolate.
Something to try
The Memory Compartment (ACT-Based Defusion)
Set a timer for exactly 10 minutes. Write down every intrusive thought or memory about your ex—no editing, no judgment. When the timer ends, close the notebook and say out loud, 'I'm putting this away for now.' This creates a boundary with your own mind, teaching your nervous system that you control when you engage with the memory, not the other way around. Research on psychological flexibility shows this practice reduces rumination intensity by up to 30% within two weeks.
This is a temporary container—not a permanent fix. To actually close the loop, you need support that rewires the attachment pattern at its root, not just manages the symptoms.
What to expect in therapy
Therapy for breakup recovery focuses on interrupting the attachment loop. Your clinician might use Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) principles to process the loss in tolerable doses, or Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) to create distance from intrusive thoughts. Sessions often involve mapping your attachment pattern, grieving without becoming submerged, and gradually rebuilding trust in yourself. The goal isn't to forget—it's to free your nervous system from the cycle.
With the right support, you can close this chapter without closing yourself off from connection.
Ready for support that fits?
If you've tried 'just move on' advice that didn't work, or if you're tired of your own mind keeping you trapped, you don't have to figure this out alone. We match you to clinicians who specialize in attachment-based breakup recovery—not generic talk therapy that misses the pattern.