I Don't Feel Confident in My Relationship: Therapy for Insecurity
- ✓I apologize ten times a day for things that aren't my fault
- ✓I check their phone when they're in the shower
- ✓My friend sent me this link after I cried about a text that just said 'ok'
You're not 'too much'—your system is trying to protect you, but it's misfiring.
Relationship insecurity is incredibly common. Research shows nearly half of adults experience anxious attachment patterns that make them question their worth in relationships, according to the APA.
This isn't just 'low confidence'—it's a specific loop that fires when you're close to someone. The fear of being replaced or exposed can make you scan for threats that aren't there. [If comparison is your pattern](/topics/self-image/social-comparison/), that can amplify this too.
Why Relationship Confidence Collapses
Your nervous system may interpret intimacy as risk, triggering a threat response. When your partner's attention drifts or you perceive distance, your inner critic amplifies it into proof you're not enough. This isn't a personality flaw—it's often a learned pattern from early relationships. [When trauma shapes your self-view](/topics/self-image/self-image-after-trauma/), these triggers can be even more intense. Understanding your specific driver—attachment insecurity, self-criticism, or past wounds—is what makes therapy effective.
Signs You're Dealing With Relationship Confidence Issues
- •**Reassurance Spiral:** You ask 'Are you mad at me?' or 'Do you still love me?' multiple times a day, but the relief never lasts
- •**Monitoring Mode:** You check their social media, texts, or tone of voice for 'clues' you're being replaced
- •**Freeze or Fix:** You either shut down completely or overcompensate by being 'perfect'—neither feels real
- •**The Shame Hangover:** After needing reassurance, you hate yourself for being 'needy' and vow to stop (but you can't)
Something to try
The Reassurance Budget (CBT-Informed)
Give yourself 3 'reassurance tokens' per day. Each time you ask for validation, you spend one. When they're gone, practice sitting with the discomfort for 10 minutes before reaching out. Research shows this builds tolerance and teaches your brain you can survive uncertainty without constant checking.
This is training wheels—it helps you notice the pattern, but real security comes from understanding why your brain sees threat in love.
What to expect in therapy
Therapy for this often uses CBT to challenge threat interpretations, Schema therapy to heal early attachment patterns, or CFT to soften the inner critic. You'll learn to separate anxiety signals from real danger while building self-compassion.
You can feel secure enough to stop scanning for threats and start actually being present in your relationship.
Ready for support that fits?
If you've tried 'just being more confident' and it hasn't stuck, there's a reason. We match you to clinicians who understand attachment patterns—not just surface-level self-esteem. If therapy felt too generic before, this is different. You don't have to figure out which approach works; we do that for you.