I Feel Like I'm Faking My Life: Therapy for Complex Trauma
- ✓I don’t remember big chunks of my childhood, and I’m exhausted from pretending that’s normal
- ✓My relationships crash in the same pattern—close, then terrified, then gone—and I see it only after I’ve already pushed them away
- ✓My therapist gave me this link after I said 'I feel like I'm faking my way through my own life'
You're not broken—and you're not alone. Complex trauma is a specific nervous system pattern that therapy can address.
According to the Cleveland Clinic, complex trauma patterns affect up to 8% of the general population, and among people who seek therapy, the numbers are much higher. If your stress was repeated, relational, or began early in life, the impact layers into your sense of self and nervous system—not because you're flawed, but because your system learned to survive.
Complex trauma lives in the gaps—the memories you don't have, the relationship patterns you can't explain, the feeling that you're always performing a version of yourself that isn't real. It's not about one bad moment, but how your nervous system learned to protect you over months or years, creating **attachment wounds** that make closeness feel dangerous. [Understanding your trauma response pattern](/topics/trauma/) can help you see why generic advice hasn't worked, and why your system needs support that matches its specific state.
Why Complex Trauma Shapes Your Nervous System Differently
Complex trauma isn't stored as a single memory—it's a pattern your nervous system learned when danger was ongoing or relational. This can wire your system for **hypervigilance** (always scanning, bracing, heart racing) or **shutdown** (numbness, fog, feeling unreal), often swinging between both without warning. Over time, these become automatic protection strategies, not character flaws. The key difference is that repeated trauma creates **attachment wounds** and **nervous system dysregulation** that single-incident protocols may miss or even worsen by moving too fast. [When dissociation is part of the picture](/topics/trauma/dissociation-overview/), it can feel like watching your life through glass rather than living it. According to NICE guidelines, recognizing this distinction is the first step toward care that actually fits.
Signs Your Trauma Wasn't Just One Event
- •**Memory Gaps That Don't Feel Random:** You don't remember large parts of childhood, or your memories feel like facts without emotion—as if they happened to someone else. You might struggle to recall whole years or specific developmental periods, which makes you question your own story.
- •**Relationship Patterns Repeat on Autopilot:** You get close, then terrified, then push people away—often realizing the pattern too late, after the damage is done. The script feels the same every time, even though the people are different, leaving you ashamed and convinced you'll never have stable connection.
- •**Emotional Flashbacks Hijack Your Present:** You suddenly feel small, ashamed, or terrified, but nothing 'big' happened in the present. Your body is reacting to a trigger from the past that your conscious mind doesn't recognize, making you feel confused, out of control, and like you're overreacting.
- •**The Exhaustion of Performing:** You feel like you're faking your way through life, and no one knows the 'real' you—which fills you with shame and makes you question if the real you even exists. This isn't just imposter syndrome; it's a survival strategy that no longer serves you but you don't know how to turn off.
Something to try
The Slow Orienting Scan (Polyvagal-Informed)
Turn your head slowly and name 5 neutral things you see. Let your eyes land on something that feels steady or safe. Take 30-60 seconds. This tells your nervous system that you're in a present moment, not trapped in the past. Research from polyvagal theory shows this simple act can signal safety to your brainstem, reducing defensive states. Do it when you feel yourself checking out or getting overwhelmed. The key is slowness—your system needs time to register that the environment is different than it expects.
This is a foothold, not the climb. To change the pattern, you need support that works with your specific system state—because complex trauma rewires more than just your thoughts.
What to expect in therapy
Therapy for complex trauma often involves stabilization first—building safety in your body and relationships—before deeper processing. Your clinician may use Trauma-focused CBT, EMDR, or Somatic-Informed Care, but always paced for your system. Unlike single-incident trauma protocols, complex trauma work focuses on building your **window of tolerance** so you can feel emotions without flooding or shutting down. The goal isn't to retell everything, but to help your nervous system learn it can rest now, which takes time and a skilled match.
You can feel like yourself again—not the version you perform, but the person underneath who feels safe enough to be real.
Ready for support that fits?
If you’ve tried therapy before but felt overwhelmed—or like they were treating the wrong thing—you’re not alone. We match you with a clinician who understands complex trauma and knows how to pace the work so it feels manageable, not re-traumatizing. You don’t have to figure out which therapy works; we do that for you.