I Push Them Away: Therapy for Trauma in Relationships
- ✓I push my partner away when they get too close, then panic they'll leave
- ✓I freeze during sex or when they say 'I love you' and can't explain why
- ✓My partner sent me this after I exploded over a text message being 'too slow'
You're not broken. Your nervous system is trying to protect you from a danger that's already passed.
Over half of trauma survivors report relationship difficulties, often cycling between pulling close and pushing away. According to the APA Clinical Practice Guideline for PTSD, attachment patterns are deeply impacted by trauma responses.
This push-pull pattern isn't a character flaw—it's your nervous system confusing emotional intimacy with threat. The same response that once kept you safe (shutdown, bracing, scanning) now activates when your partner reaches for you. If you find yourself reacting to small triggers like late texts or certain tones, [trauma triggers](/topics/trauma/trauma-triggers/) may be the entry point your system needs.
Why Trauma Patterns Hijack Relationships
Trauma isn't only the memory of what happened—it's how your nervous system learned to protect you. If your system runs 'hot' (hyperarousal), you may scan your partner's behavior for threats, misread neutral cues as rejection, and react with fight-or-flight before your thinking brain catches up. If it runs 'cold' (shutdown), intimacy can feel overwhelming, triggering dissociation or emotional numbness. These aren't choices; they're automatic protection strategies. This is why major guidelines from NICE and the APA emphasize matching therapy to your nervous system pattern, not just your symptoms.
Signs Your Trauma Is Showing Up in Your Relationship
- •**Closeness Feels Like a Threat:** You want to be held, but your body tenses or pulls away when it happens.
- •**The Overreaction Outburst:** You explode over a delayed text or tone of voice, then realize you were scared, not angry.
- •**The Shutdown Spiral:** During conflict, you go silent, numb, or feel like you're watching from outside your body.
- •**The Shame Aftermath:** You replay fights obsessively, convinced you're too damaged to be loved.
Something to try
The Safety Anchor (Somatic-Informed Care)
When you feel yourself pulling away or snapping during a conversation, pause and place both feet flat on the floor. Press down gently and name one present-moment safety cue: 'I'm in my kitchen, it's 2025, I'm safe right now.' This orients your nervous system to the present, helping distinguish past danger from current safety. Research from the Cleveland Clinic shows that grounding through physical sensation can interrupt dissociation and hyperarousal responses.
This is a circuit breaker—not rewiring. To change the pattern, you need support that works with your attachment system.
What to expect in therapy
Therapy for trauma in relationships often includes stabilization first—learning to regulate your nervous system—then processing triggers. Modalities like EMDR, Trauma-focused CBT, or Somatic-Informed Care can help rewire these patterns without forcing you to retell every detail.
With the right support, closeness can start to feel like safety instead of a threat.
Ready for support that fits your pattern?
If you've tried couples counseling but the same fights keep happening, or if your partner's patience is wearing thin—it's not that you're broken. It's that trauma needs its own entry point. We match you with clinicians who understand attachment and nervous system patterns, not just communication skills.