I'm Grieving Someone Who's Still Here: Anticipatory Grief Therapy
- ✓I cry in the car after leaving the nursing home, then wipe my face before I walk inside
- ✓I feel guilty for mourning my mom while she's still sitting in front of me
- ✓People say 'at least you still have them' like I'm not allowed to grieve yet
You're not betraying them by grieving. Anticipatory grief is real, valid, and more common than you think.
Research shows anticipatory grief is common among caregivers facing prolonged illness, activating the same brain regions as post-loss grief (American Psychiatric Association, 2022). You're not alone in this.
Your mind is trying to prepare for an impossible loss. This grief shows up as a strange double-life: you're [planning for a future without them](/topics/grief/grief-anniversaries/) while managing daily demands. It doesn't mean you've given up—it means you care deeply.
Why Anticipatory Grief Feels Like a Double Life
Grief is the person-shaped absence that keeps showing up—but in anticipatory grief, that absence hasn't fully arrived. You're mourning who they were while caring for who they are now. [Research shows](/topics/grief/prolonged-grief/) this paradox activates the same threat-response system as post-loss grief, making trigger identification and emotional regulation essential skills. Your nervous system doesn't distinguish between past, present, or future loss—it just registers the threat of absence.
Signs You're Experiencing Anticipatory Grief
- •**The Double Life:** You're planning for a funeral while managing doctor's appointments, creating a strange split reality
- •**Invisible Grief:** You can't talk about it because 'they're still here' and people don't understand what you're feeling
- •**Guilt Layers:** You feel guilty for mourning, for wanting relief, for resenting the caregiving, for every complicated feeling that makes you human
- •**The Shame Cycle:** After a 'good' day, you feel like you're betraying them by thinking it's almost over, then crash into self-judgment
Something to try
The Both/And Practice (Meaning-Centered Grief Therapy)
When guilt overwhelms you, pause and say aloud: 'I can grieve AND I can still be present. I can mourn who she was AND care for who she is.' This dialectical approach reduces the cognitive dissonance that fuels anticipatory grief's shame. Research shows meaning-centered interventions help caregivers find purpose while acknowledging loss (Breitbart et al., 2015, Psycho-Oncology). Try this three times a day.
This is a life raft—it keeps you afloat. To navigate the whole river safely, you need a guide who specializes in anticipatory grief.
What to expect in therapy
Therapy for anticipatory grief often uses CBT to manage guilt, ACT to help you stay present with what's still here, or CGT principles adapted for pre-loss mourning. Your therapist will understand this isn't 'just' caregiving stress.
With the right support, you can carry this impossible paradox without it consuming you—and be more present for what remains.
Ready for support that understands?
If friends say 'just enjoy the time you have left' or you feel too guilty to talk about it—you need a specialist who gets anticipatory grief. We match you to clinicians who won't dismiss your pain as premature. If therapy before felt like it missed the mark, we'll find someone who understands this specific loss.