I Lost My Person: Therapy for Grief After a Breakup
- ✓I keep checking their Instagram even though it destroys me every time
- ✓I lost not just them, but the future we planned—apartments, trips, kids' names
- ✓My friends say 'just move on' but I feel like part of me died with 'us'
You're not broken. Breakup grief activates the same loss circuits in your brain as death, but with crueler uncertainty.
Research shows 71% of people experience severe grief symptoms after a significant breakup that mirror bereavement. You're not alone—and you're not overreacting.
The end of a romantic relationship triggers grief because your brain is literally missing an attachment figure. This is the person-shaped absence that keeps showing up—when you reach for your phone to share news, or when your routine no longer includes their presence. [Learn how grief shows up in waves](/topics/grief/how-grief-feels/) before it integrates.
Why Breakup Grief Hits Like a Death (But Feels Stranger)
Grief after a breakup is the same neurobiological process as bereavement, but it's complicated by ambiguity: they're still alive, possibly dating someone new, and your brain holds hope. Your nervous system registers this as both loss and threat, activating fight-or-flight alongside sadness. The mind keeps reaching for them because they were woven into your identity and daily rhythm (APA, 2022). This isn't just sadness—it's a full-body recalibration. [Here's how prolonged grief differs](/topics/grief/prolonged-grief/) when you're stuck beyond months.
Signs You're Grieving a Breakup, Not Just 'Sad'
- •**Reality Slips:** You forget you're broken up and reach for your phone to text them about your day.
- •**Identity Collapse:** You're not just missing them—you don't recognize yourself without the label 'girlfriend,' 'boyfriend,' or 'partner.'
- •**Future Grief:** You mourn the specific life you planned: the lease you were gonna sign, the dog you were going to get, their parent's holiday table.
- •**The Shame Spiral:** You feel pathetic for still caring while they seem fine, posting new photos that gut you.
Something to try
The Self-Compassion Break (Neff & Germer)
Place a hand on your heart and say three phrases: 'This is a moment of suffering. Suffering is part of life. May I be kind to myself.' Research shows this reduces shame and calms the threat system in 30 seconds, making grief more bearable. (Neff & Germer, 2018)
This soothes the immediate sting—it won't rebuild your identity or process the attachment loss. For that, you need support that maps your specific grief pattern.
What to expect in therapy
Therapy for breakup grief integrates CBT for Grief to process the loss, ACT to clarify values for your post-breakup life, and sometimes EMDR if the relationship was traumatic. Your clinician helps you carry the absence without staying stuck in it.
With the right support, you can honor what you lost while building a life that feels unmistakably yours again.
Ready for support that fits your breakup grief?
If you've tried 'moving on' but still feel stuck, or friends' advice just makes you feel worse, you don't have to figure this out alone. We match you to a grief specialist who understands non-death loss specifically.