This Loss Is Pushing Us Apart: Therapy for Grief in Relationships
- ✓I feel like I'm losing my partner AND the person we lost
- ✓We can't mention their name without it turning into a fight
- ✓My partner seems 'fine' now and I'm still drowning in it
You're not failing each other — you're grieving differently, and that's one of grief's most common patterns.
Research shows that up to 70% of couples experience significant relationship strain after a major loss, especially when partners grieve in opposite ways. You're not alone in this painful disconnect.
Grief doesn't just take the person you lost — it can take your sense of connection too. When one partner needs to talk and the other needs to stay busy, it can feel like you're stranded on different islands, each feeling abandoned by the other. This pattern isn't a sign your relationship is broken; it's a sign that [grief shows up differently](/topics/grief/how-grief-feels/) in each person. The silence that grows between you is often grieving itself. Understanding whether you're navigating waves or stuckness can help explain why you feel so out of sync.
Why grief pulls couples apart
Grief is the person-shaped absence your mind keeps reaching for — and partners often reach in opposite directions. One may become immersed in emotion while the other organizes, fixes, or retreats into tasks. This isn't a compatibility failure; it's how different nervous systems regulate threat and loss through varying attachment styles and coping mechanisms. The partner who seems 'over it' may be avoiding the pain through instrumental grieving, while the one who can't stop crying is processing it intuitively. Without a shared language for these differences, [avoidance](/topics/grief/prolonged-grief/) can calcify into resentment. Research from the APA shows that when grief remains unaddressed in relationships, it can lead to identity disruption not just for the individual, but for the couple's shared sense of 'we'.
Signs grief is straining your relationship
- •**The Conversation Minefield:** You can't mention their name or share a memory without it turning into an argument or cold silence.
- •**Grieving on Different Timelines:** One of you seems 'fine' while the other is still drowning — and you both feel betrayed by the gap.
- •**Loss of Your 'We':** You don't just miss the person who died; you miss who you were as a couple before grief changed the dynamic.
- •**The Silent Resentment:** You feel angry at your partner for grieving 'wrong,' then ashamed for judging them, which creates a shame cycle that buries honest connection.
Something to try
The Grief Checkpoint (CGT-Based)
Set a 15-minute timer. For the first 7.5 minutes, one partner shares one specific feeling or memory about the loss while the other only listens — no fixing, no comparing grief. For the remaining 7.5 minutes, switch roles. This structured container prevents grief from bleeding into every moment while ensuring both partners get witnessed. Research on Complicated Grief Therapy shows that structured sharing reduces avoidance and emotional flooding in couples by creating safety through predictability.
This is a bridge — not a replacement for learning how grief lives in your specific relationship dynamic.
What to expect in therapy
Therapy for grief-related relationship strain often combines Complicated Grief Therapy (CGT) with elements of Interpersonal Therapy (IPT) to help you understand each other's grieving styles and rebuild a shared language. You'll learn to recognize when avoidance is protecting versus isolating, and how to stay connected through the waves rather than being pulled apart by them. Sessions typically involve both joint and individual work to honor each person's process while rebuilding the couple's foundation.
With the right support, you can learn to carry this loss together — and discover that grief, when shared, can sometimes lead to a deeper kind of closeness.
Ready for support that understands both of you?
If talking about the loss just leads to fights, or if you're worried therapy will take sides, we match you to a specialist who gets the relationship dynamics of grief. Not the right fit? We'll help you find another — free.