It Hits Me in Waves: Therapy for Grief Waves & Triggers
- ✓I was fine and then suddenly I'm sobbing in the grocery store
- ✓I thought I was getting better, then it hits me all over again
- ✓My body remembers before my mind does—my chest gets tight and I don't know why
You're not broken—grief often comes in waves. This is the pattern of integrated grief, not a sign you're stuck.
You're not alone—research shows that oscillating between intense grief and moments of functioning is the normative pattern, not the exception (APA, 2022). This wave-like experience is what clinicians call integrated grief, where your mind naturally moves between processing loss and engaging with life.
Your mind is doing exactly what it's supposed to—swinging between the pain of loss and the pull of daily life. This isn't failure; it's integration in motion. You might feel the absence as a physical ache in your chest or a sudden tightness in your throat. If the waves never let you surface for air, you might be dealing with [prolonged grief](/topics/grief/prolonged-grief/) instead.
Why Grief Hits in Waves
Grief is the person-shaped absence that keeps showing up—at dinner, on the commute, or in quiet, unguarded moments. Your brain is learning a new reality while being constantly reminded of what's gone. This creates natural oscillation between loss-oriented pain and restoration-oriented functioning, which is why [grief anniversaries](/topics/grief/grief-anniversaries/) and seemingly random triggers can hit with such force. According to APA (2022), this wave pattern is a hallmark of integrated grief, not a sign of being stuck. Your system is alternating between confronting the loss and taking necessary breaks from the pain—a healthy, adaptive process.
Signs You're Experiencing Grief Waves
- •**The Suddenness:** You're okay one moment, then crying or breathless the next, without warning or clear reason.
- •**Trigger Sensitivity:** Specific songs, smells, places, or even times of day can knock the air out of you, as if the loss just happened.
- •**Moments of Normalcy:** You can laugh, work, or feel okay between waves—that's integration, not betrayal or forgetting.
- •**The Surprise Shame:** You feel like you're 'failing' at grieving when a wave hits, especially if you thought you were 'over it.'
Something to try
Name the Wave (CBT-based Mindfulness)
When you feel a wave coming, pause and say out loud: 'This is a grief wave.' Place a hand on your chest, notice the physical sensation—tightness, heat, heaviness—and remind yourself: 'This is intense, but it will crest and fall.' This simple act of naming activates your prefrontal cortex, which helps regulate the limbic system's emotional alarm. It's a brief intervention that creates space between you and the feeling, giving your nervous system a moment to recalibrate.
This is an anchor in the storm—to navigate the waves, you need support that helps you understand your triggers.
What to expect in therapy
Therapy for grief waves focuses on trigger identification and emotional regulation, often using [CBT for Grief](/topics/grief/therapy-for-grief/) or ACT. You'll work on recognizing early warning signs, building tolerance for the discomfort, and gradually expanding your capacity for restoration-oriented activities. Most people start to notice a shift in how they relate to the waves within 8-12 sessions.
With the right support, you can learn to trust that the waves will come and go—and that you're building a life that can hold both grief and joy.
Ready for support that fits your grief pattern?
Grief waves can make you feel like you're back at square one. If generic advice or well-meaning friends haven't helped because they don't understand the wave pattern, we can match you to a specialist who does. You don't have to figure this out alone.