Work Expects Me to Be 'Normal': Therapy for Grief at Work
- ✓I cried in the office bathroom again today and prayed no one heard
- ✓My boss says 'take your time' but my performance review is next month
- ✓I'm smiling in meetings while my chest feels like it's cracking open
Pretending to be fine at work while grieving is exhausting—and it's not your fault the world keeps moving.
Research shows grief-related work impairment affects nearly 1 in 4 bereaved employees in the first year after a loss. The pressure to perform doesn't make the grief smaller—it just makes you hide it better.
Grief doesn't clock out when you clock in. Your brain is still reaching for someone who's gone while your inbox demands answers. This disconnect—between your internal world and external expectations—is why work feels like an impossible performance. If you're experiencing [grief in waves](/topics/grief/how-grief-feels/) at work, each wave can pull you under just as you're trying to surface.
Why Grief at Work Feels Like an Impossible Performance
Grief is the person-shaped absence that keeps showing up—at your desk, in the elevator, during a meeting you didn't expect to feel so heavy. Your nervous system is still processing the loss while your executive function is being pulled in a dozen directions. This creates a 'dual demand' effect: your brain is trying to both grieve and perform, which exhausts your emotional regulation capacity. Research shows that grief impacts cognitive function, memory, and decision-making (APA, 2022). Without support, many people develop avoidance patterns—skipping meetings, declining projects, or withdrawing from colleagues—to manage the overwhelm. Everyday triggers like a colleague's casual question or a specific routine can suddenly flood your system, making concentration impossible. If [sleep disruption](/topics/grief/grief-and-sleep/) is also part of your grief, these effects compound, making the workday feel like you're moving through fog.
Signs Work Expectations Are Colliding With Your Grief
- •**The Mask Slips:** You excuse yourself to cry in the bathroom or stairwell, then return like nothing happened.
- •**Decision Paralysis:** Simple choices—what to eat, which email to answer first—feel overwhelming.
- •**The 'Fine' Performance:** You say 'I'm fine' so often you're not sure you remember what 'not fine' feels like.
- •**The Shame Spiral:** You feel guilty for struggling, guilty for taking bereavement leave, and guilty for not being 'grateful' you still have a job.
Something to try
The 'Grief Container' for Work (Complicated Grief Therapy technique)
Choose a specific object—a small box, a folder, even a digital file. When grief interrupts your workday, mentally 'place' the feeling or memory into this container with a note: 'I'll open this at 7 PM.' This creates a temporary boundary that lets your nervous system know the grief isn't being ignored, just scheduled. According to CGT research, this reduces emotional flooding by containing it to designated processing time (Shear et al., 2005).
This is a temporary holding pattern—like putting your grief on airplane mode so you can land the plane. To actually process the loss, you need support that helps you integrate, not just compartmentalize.
What to expect in therapy
Therapy for work-related grief often focuses on both processing the loss itself and developing workplace-specific strategies. You might work with Complicated Grief Therapy to reduce avoidance, or CBT for Grief to manage triggers like certain colleagues or tasks. The goal isn't to 'fix' your grief but to help you carry it while re-engaging with life—and work.
With the right support, you can find a way to honor your loss without losing yourself—or your career—in the process.
Ready for support that fits your situation?
If you've tried 'pushing through' and it's not working—or if your company's EAP feels too generic—we'll match you to a clinician who understands the specific intersection of grief and workplace function. You don't have to explain why a 'simple' task feels impossible.