I Don't Know What to Say: Helping Someone Through Grief
- ✓I watch them fall apart and I'm frozen—terrified that one wrong word will make it worse
- ✓I've already said 'let me know if you need anything' three times and they haven't called, so I stopped reaching out
- ✓I keep trying to 'fix' their mood with distractions when all they want is to talk about the person they lost
You're not failing as a friend—supporting grief is a learned skill, not instinct.
Over 2.5 million people die in the U.S. annually, leaving millions of unprepared supporters. Research shows 70% of people feel uncertain about how to help someone grieving. You're not alone in this uncertainty.
Feeling helpless is the most common response when someone you love is grieving. You want to fix it, but grief can't be fixed—only witnessed. Learning to [support grief](/topics/grief/) is about presence, not solutions. This skill is different from what you need when [grief strains your relationship](/topics/grief/grief-in-relationships).
Why Supporting Someone Through Grief Feels So Hard
Grief is the person-shaped absence that keeps showing up—at dinner, on the commute, or in quiet moments you didn't plan for. Supporting someone through bereavement means practicing active listening without trying to fill the silence. Research shows that well-intentioned supporters often 'mute' grief by avoiding the topic or rushing to silver linings, which increases isolation. [Traumatic losses](/topics/grief/grief-after-trauma) may require additional sensitivity to fear responses that complicate the grieving process.
Signs You're Struggling to Support Someone Through Grief
- •**You're Walking on Eggshells:** You avoid mentioning the person who died for fear of 'reminding' them.
- •**Your Offer Sounds Hollow:** 'Let me know if you need anything' feels empty because you don't know what they actually need.
- •**You Default to Cheerleading:** You pivot to 'at least' statements or try to distract them from the pain.
- •**The Shame Spiral:** You feel guilty for being frustrated when they 'won't move on' or for feeling helpless yourself.
Something to try
The Presence Statement (Companioning Model)
Say: 'I don't know what to say, but I'm here. I'll just sit with you.' This validates their pain without trying to fix it. The NHS bereavement guide shows that acknowledging your own uncertainty reduces pressure on the griever to 'perform' recovery.
This opens the door—long-term support means learning to listen to their grief without drowning in it yourself.
What to expect in therapy
Therapy can help you understand grief patterns, set boundaries, and learn companioning skills. Modalities like CGT and ACT offer frameworks for supporting without burning out.
With the right guidance, you can become the steady presence they need—without losing yourself in the process.
Ready to learn how to show up?
If you've tried reading articles and still feel lost, you're not alone. Supporting grief is a skill that can be taught. We match you to grief specialists who can coach you on being present without burning out.