I Can't Get Close After What Happened
- ✓My body shuts down during sex—even though I swore I'd forgiven them
- ✓I flinch when they touch me and pretend I'm just 'not in the mood'
- ✓I check their phone, their texts, their everything—and hate myself for it
You're not failing at forgiveness. Your body is protecting you from a threat it learned to recognize.
After infidelity, up to 70 percent of couples report intimacy problems persisting for months or years. Your protective response isn't a personal flaw—it's your nervous system doing its job.
Your mind says 'I want to move on' but your body screams 'danger'—that gap isn't weakness, it's biology. The flinching, the shutdown, the constant scanning for lies aren't signs you haven't tried hard enough. They're signs your system needs evidence of safety, not just apologies. This is what happens when [trust is shattered](/topics/intimacy-sex/intimacy-after-trauma/) and your body remembers what your heart wants to forget.
Why Betrayal Blocks Intimacy
Betrayal creates an attachment injury—your body learned that closeness equals vulnerability to harm. The World Health Organization defines sexual health as requiring emotional safety (2024). After infidelity, your nervous system may block access to intimacy as a trauma response, even when you consciously want connection. This isn't about 'getting over it' faster; it's about trust rebuilding at the pace your body can tolerate. Many people start [avoiding intimacy](/topics/intimacy-sex/avoiding-intimacy/) entirely to escape this internal war.
Signs Intimacy After Betrayal Feels Impossible
- •**The Physical Recoil:** Your body flinches, tenses, or feels numb during touch—even gentle affection
- •**The Hypervigilance Loop:** You can't stop scanning their phone, location, or tone for signs of new lies
- •**The Shutdown:** You want to be close but feel disconnected or dissociated during intimacy
- •**The Shame Spiral:** You blame yourself for 'not being able to get over it' and wonder what's wrong with you
Something to try
The 60-Second Safety Container (Attachment Repair)
Before any physical touch, pause and ask: 'What would help my body feel 10 percent safer right now?' Name one specific, small boundary—like 'I'd like to initiate' or 'no surprises.' This gives your nervous system predictability, which is the antidote to betrayal trauma. Research on attachment repair shows that re-establishing felt safety is foundational before intimacy can heal (APA, 2023).
This is a first step—like putting on a life jacket. To swim again, you need support that rebuilds trust incrementally.
What to expect in therapy
Therapy often combines EFT for attachment repair with EMDR or mindfulness to process betrayal memories. Sessions focus on re-establishing safety and pacing intimacy so your body can catch up to your intentions.
With specialized support, intimacy can shift from a threat to a source of connection again.
Ready for support that understands betrayal trauma?
If you've tried to 'just move on' and your body won't cooperate, you need a specialist who understands attachment injury—not generic sex advice. We match you to clinicians trained in betrayal trauma recovery so you don't have to explain why 'forgive and forget' isn't working.