My Past Shows Up in Bed: Signs & Therapy for Trauma & Intimacy
- ✓My body suddenly shuts down right when I want to be close
- ✓I've seen my assault play out in my head while we're touching
- ✓My partner sent me this with a 'please, we can't keep going like this' text
You're not broken. Your body is trying to protect you.
Research shows up to 60% of trauma survivors experience sexual difficulties. According to the APA, this pattern is a survival response—not a character flaw.
Your nervous system is flashing warning signals it learned from survival—not failure. This pattern makes perfect sense when intimacy feels like risk. Many people find that [trauma-informed therapy](/topics/trauma/) with EMDR or mindfulness helps them slowly reclaim their body's sense of safety.
Why Trauma Shows Up in Intimacy
Intimacy challenges often live in the gap between what you want and what your body can access in the moment. When trauma is part of your story, your nervous system may interpret closeness as potential danger—activating a threat response even when you're with someone safe. This isn't a conscious choice; it's your body's learned alarm system (APA, 2019). [EMDR](/topics/trauma/) and mindfulness-based therapy can help retrain this response, creating new pathways for safety and emotional regulation.
Signs Your Past Is Affecting Intimacy
- •**Flashbacks or Dissociation:** You suddenly feel like you're back there, or you mentally 'leave' your body during intimacy.
- •**Body Shutdown:** Your body freezes, tenses, or goes numb—even when you want to be present.
- •**Panic or Overwhelm:** Your heart races, you can't breathe, or you feel terror when things get close.
- •**The Shame Spiral:** You blame yourself for 'ruining' intimacy and feel like a burden to your partner.
Something to try
The Anchor Point Technique (Somatic Therapy)
Place one hand on a stable surface (bedframe, wall) and press firmly while naming 5 things you see. This grounds your body in the present moment, interrupting the trauma response by signaling safety to your nervous system. Research from NICE guidelines shows physical grounding reduces dissociation and panic intensity during intimacy triggers.
This is a lifeline—not a fix. To change the pattern, you need support that works with your body's threat system, not against it.
What to expect in therapy
Therapy for this often involves trauma-informed approaches like EMDR or mindfulness-based therapy that help your nervous system distinguish past from present. You won't be pushed to talk about details before you're ready.
With the right support, intimacy can become a place of connection rather than a trigger.
Ready for support that fits?
If you've tried general therapy before and it didn't touch this, or if you worry a sex therapist won't understand trauma—we match you to someone who gets both. You don't have to figure out which approach works for your specific pattern.